How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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