Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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