Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
