your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
