I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
