I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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