if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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