I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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