hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
