I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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