in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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