He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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