that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
