Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize