I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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