one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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