Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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