I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I AM VODKA MAN
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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