im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
