I wannas sexs uuuuu
My first STD was from a foam party
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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