you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
