you guys were way drunker than both of me
I met the friendliest cop last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
