Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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