Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
