I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
