alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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