oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
