Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
