Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
