Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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