I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
