Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
