I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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