It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
