meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
