just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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