I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
