i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
