I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
