am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
