I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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