I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize