and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize