Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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