i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
