Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
