and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
