I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
