go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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