the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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