someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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