she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
