i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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