if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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