one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
