I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
