life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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