Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
