____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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