my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
