she was so not down for the gang bang
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This is my gift to your gina
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
